Life Update! (2020)
It’s been almost 2.5 years since I’ve written this blog, and it’s just absolutely mind-blowing how much I’ve grown since then. I originally used this as an outlet for built up emotions and I didn’t realize how much attention it would have gotten until people began reaching out about how they never knew what happened to me. I published my stories back in February 2018 around the time my ex was still bad-mouthing me and when outsiders thought they knew MY life better than I did. I’ve been open about my social-anxiety, depression, demons, and how my past affected my daily life.
Back then, I loved running away from my problems because those people were no longer a part of my life. I thought that meant I couldn’t think about it anymore because if I did, that meant I still cared. For years, I ran as fast as I could away from my ex, away from my past, away from Tiff and my grandma’s deaths, and away from my issues. Starting this blog was my way of slowing down. I knew I had demons to fight and this was the first step. For a while, it worked. I graduated college, finally got a job in my career, and I was happy! Or so I thought.
When I began working in my career, I was distracted often so I rarely had time to think about my past. Everything was fine until we went into lockdown back in March when I felt all those regretful thoughts come back. I was frustrated because I thought I had finally left my past behind years ago when in reality, all I did was run. Crazy how things don’t just disappear. You actually have to let yourself go through the pain to heal. I was slowly falling back into depression and even wrote out my suicidal thoughts on paper. Nestor had to sit me down and scold me about how I’ve been avoiding my past for too long and it was time to face it.
Before Tiff passed, she read my blogs and immediately apologized for her part in my downfall. After three years, we were finally on the track to becoming close friends once more, and then she got really sick again. I never knew the beginning of December would be the very last time I told her to take care of herself and that I loved her. Right after Tiffany passed away in December 2018, I felt like a walking zombie until her funeral. I was miserable for months until she finally showed up in my dream. She said to reconnect with old friends to make amends with my past and I told her no. She argued back about how it’d bring me the closure I’ve always wanted, but again I said no. These people were the reason why I suffered day and night. They were in my nightmares. Why did I need to be the bigger person to fix what they were responsible for? This dream went on two more (different) times before she stopped talking about it all together. The only time she popped up in my dreams was to tell me how well she’s doing “up there.” I was just glad she finally found her peace.
I’m sure just like many others, my mental health wasn’t the best during the covid lockdown. I had all the time in the world to THINK about everything and anything...it was torture. How was I supposed to heal when I never got an apology from my bullies? How was I supposed to heal when Tiff’s death was still fresh and when I had to bury my grandma 5 months ago? HOW?! The hardest thing I had to do mentally was force myself to feel the pain. Pain from my ex, pain from the deaths, and the pain of losing who I was for so many years. Most days I wanted to be left alone with my thoughts, but other days I appreciated Nestor’s listening ears.
As Hawaii slowly began opening up again, I realized how much I missed the presence of others. My best friends (JRS) were essential workers, and my other best friend lives in Vegas, so seeing them wasn’t an option. If you know me, I had severe social-anxiety. I couldn’t go to parties or events without having a mental breakdown first. When I did show up, I was mute and stared at the floor or my phone. I had a difficult time opening up to others in fear of my information being used against me just like people in my past had done. Sometime at the end of June, a switch turned on in my head. I suddenly wanted to be out and be around others. I tested it a few times with Nestor’s friends/coworkers by forcing myself to be out with them, and I found that I wasn’t so anxious anymore. It definitely felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. My social-anxiety was the last thing I associated with my ex and my bullies and now that I was no longer affected, I was free.
It’s still a recent discovery within myself, but it’s a huge step towards a better me. Old Ri was always outgoing, very talkative, and extremely bubbly and helpful. Since breaking free from my anxiety jail, I can see myself being that way again. The people I’ve met since dating Nestor have been such a blessing in disguise. They’re understanding and non judgemental which in turn makes me feel comfortable to be me. Just recently, Tiff showed up in my dream again and I remember shouting “I did it!” She said she was proud of me, and proud that I had finally gotten the closure I needed to move on.
I guess this life update was written because I recently re-read my blog and realized how far along I’ve came. I’ve done many projects like writing, painting, and even diamond arts to heal my mind and keep it calm. Conquering my mental illness is something so many people can’t say. I’m just extremely proud that I did it on my own and I didn’t give up despite wanting to multiple times. Though difficult, facing my issues head-on was necessary to heal. I know that now. I’m coming out of this lockdown as a more confident woman who is willing to take on more obstacles with the help of her supportive boyfriend. I’ve never been happier on the inside as much as I am now. I really did come a long way. It’s finally time to be ME.
Back then, I loved running away from my problems because those people were no longer a part of my life. I thought that meant I couldn’t think about it anymore because if I did, that meant I still cared. For years, I ran as fast as I could away from my ex, away from my past, away from Tiff and my grandma’s deaths, and away from my issues. Starting this blog was my way of slowing down. I knew I had demons to fight and this was the first step. For a while, it worked. I graduated college, finally got a job in my career, and I was happy! Or so I thought.
When I began working in my career, I was distracted often so I rarely had time to think about my past. Everything was fine until we went into lockdown back in March when I felt all those regretful thoughts come back. I was frustrated because I thought I had finally left my past behind years ago when in reality, all I did was run. Crazy how things don’t just disappear. You actually have to let yourself go through the pain to heal. I was slowly falling back into depression and even wrote out my suicidal thoughts on paper. Nestor had to sit me down and scold me about how I’ve been avoiding my past for too long and it was time to face it.
Before Tiff passed, she read my blogs and immediately apologized for her part in my downfall. After three years, we were finally on the track to becoming close friends once more, and then she got really sick again. I never knew the beginning of December would be the very last time I told her to take care of herself and that I loved her. Right after Tiffany passed away in December 2018, I felt like a walking zombie until her funeral. I was miserable for months until she finally showed up in my dream. She said to reconnect with old friends to make amends with my past and I told her no. She argued back about how it’d bring me the closure I’ve always wanted, but again I said no. These people were the reason why I suffered day and night. They were in my nightmares. Why did I need to be the bigger person to fix what they were responsible for? This dream went on two more (different) times before she stopped talking about it all together. The only time she popped up in my dreams was to tell me how well she’s doing “up there.” I was just glad she finally found her peace.
I’m sure just like many others, my mental health wasn’t the best during the covid lockdown. I had all the time in the world to THINK about everything and anything...it was torture. How was I supposed to heal when I never got an apology from my bullies? How was I supposed to heal when Tiff’s death was still fresh and when I had to bury my grandma 5 months ago? HOW?! The hardest thing I had to do mentally was force myself to feel the pain. Pain from my ex, pain from the deaths, and the pain of losing who I was for so many years. Most days I wanted to be left alone with my thoughts, but other days I appreciated Nestor’s listening ears.
As Hawaii slowly began opening up again, I realized how much I missed the presence of others. My best friends (JRS) were essential workers, and my other best friend lives in Vegas, so seeing them wasn’t an option. If you know me, I had severe social-anxiety. I couldn’t go to parties or events without having a mental breakdown first. When I did show up, I was mute and stared at the floor or my phone. I had a difficult time opening up to others in fear of my information being used against me just like people in my past had done. Sometime at the end of June, a switch turned on in my head. I suddenly wanted to be out and be around others. I tested it a few times with Nestor’s friends/coworkers by forcing myself to be out with them, and I found that I wasn’t so anxious anymore. It definitely felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. My social-anxiety was the last thing I associated with my ex and my bullies and now that I was no longer affected, I was free.
It’s still a recent discovery within myself, but it’s a huge step towards a better me. Old Ri was always outgoing, very talkative, and extremely bubbly and helpful. Since breaking free from my anxiety jail, I can see myself being that way again. The people I’ve met since dating Nestor have been such a blessing in disguise. They’re understanding and non judgemental which in turn makes me feel comfortable to be me. Just recently, Tiff showed up in my dream again and I remember shouting “I did it!” She said she was proud of me, and proud that I had finally gotten the closure I needed to move on.
I guess this life update was written because I recently re-read my blog and realized how far along I’ve came. I’ve done many projects like writing, painting, and even diamond arts to heal my mind and keep it calm. Conquering my mental illness is something so many people can’t say. I’m just extremely proud that I did it on my own and I didn’t give up despite wanting to multiple times. Though difficult, facing my issues head-on was necessary to heal. I know that now. I’m coming out of this lockdown as a more confident woman who is willing to take on more obstacles with the help of her supportive boyfriend. I’ve never been happier on the inside as much as I am now. I really did come a long way. It’s finally time to be ME.
xoxo, Rianna 👑
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