Part 6: Rebuilding

  Now re-enrolled at Radford, I knew the one thing I had to do was prove to everyone that I wasn’t the weak girl they saw me as a few months ago. My brother was going to be an incoming freshman, and I had to be strong for him, or people would step all over him as they did to me. I didn’t want that, so I changed into someone I never wanted to become. I hated putting on this bitchy act in public because it wasn’t me; the Rianna who was so outgoing and constantly laughing...but that girl was long gone because people destroyed me. I understood the backlash that would come with my “attitude,” but I would rather be unapproachable and have people talk about me than having fake people reaching out to be friends only to turn against me one day. I couldn’t trust anyone. My goal for the last two years of high school was to make sure I was the girl no one wanted to mess with, so when my siblings came into Radford, no one dared to pick on them the way they did to me.

  From the months of May through August 2012, through K.M.’s recommendation, I began trying to talk to a boy, M.A. Best friend said that I have a history of dating douchebags, and insisted that M.A. was a really good person. Taking his word, but not getting my hopes up, I spent four months waiting for an answer only to find out that the reason why M.A. made me wait so long is because he had a hard time accepting my past. He knew people were still saying negative things about me and he didn't want to be in the middle of it. He never personally asked me what I went/is going through, he just listened to everything K.M. was telling him. When M.A. finally asked me out during homecoming week, I said yes, but I never had any feelings. I just didn’t know how to reject someone in person. After asking me out to the dance and saying he loved me, I made a lame excuse a week after we got together just so I could break it off. If he couldn’t accept my “bad” past, then I was going to find someone who could. I still had to remain on good terms with him because our younger siblings were best friends and I didn't want them thinking they'd have to choose sides. I think my ex took this the wrong way because shortly after our breakup, M.A. began liking my friends and asked if it'd be weird to date them. I told him to go for it mainly because it'd be a good way to tell which ones were really my "friends"
Despite all of my past exes cheating on me, I was able to get over those break ups quickly because I never put my full heart into the relationship. I didn’t want to admit it out loud, but the real reason I could never commit myself to another boy was because none of them were N.S. I knew I was too young to fully understand what love was back then, and I knew I couldn't be mad at N.S. for leaving the way he did. In the months after my break up with M.A, I had plenty of time to sit myself down and forgive N.S. for the way he left. He was different because unlike my exes, I still wanted him in my life especially because we still messaged each other on FB. I couldn't let him go.

  In the first semester of junior year, I found that putting on this bitchy act was hard to maintain because I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. No one cares if you’re actually caring and big-hearted on the inside especially if you have a tough exterior. I couldn’t express my feelings because no one asked...no one cared enough to see the real fight I was going through ON MY OWN. I was crying for help on the inside, but I knew no one was going to save me. I only had myself. Everyone on campus already saw me at rock bottom, and I was never going to show that part of me again. No matter what inner battle I had, that was for me to solve by myself because no one could ever relate to my struggles.

1. Show no emotions.
2. Show no weakness.
3. Be cold hearted.

  That way, no one can hurt you.

  This was my new motto, but one thing bothered me. If I behave this way, N.S. might find out, and if he does, he might not like me anymore. Like everyone here at RHS, he might judge me for things that were never my fault. With everything I went through since he and I last saw one another two years ago, there was no doubt that I still loved him, but there was no way I was going to show him this side of me. I promised myself that I would only talk to him when I was me again and when I actually made something of myself. “Maybe he’ll be the first person I could actually tell my side of the story to. Maybe even the first person to accept me and understand why I am the way I am..” I thought.

  Since joining Junior Leadership, I attended all the events but because I could no longer trust anyone, if I didn’t need to be there, I would go to the band room. From what I know, my “friends” encouraged A.P. to bring my ex, T.K. along almost every day. Another one of A.P's friend in this class, J.C. even put me on blast in our Facebook Group and said "We worked hard to build this leadership family, if you have drama, don't bring it into the room. If you can't do this, then you're welcome to leave." The only friend I had in leadership was my bestie, S.A. When she texted saying my ex was in the leadership room, I was usually in the band room with my other friends T.B. and J.A. My ex only wanted one thing (sex) from me, and I didn’t take it to heart when he found someone else, someone who was supposed to be my friend. I’m sure A.P.’s friends thought me seeing her and T.K. would make me jealous, but I was too busy conforming to my newly formed attitude to even pay attention.

  In the second semester of junior year, N.M., a friend of me and my ex, N.S., expressed that he had feelings for me. I avoided all of his feelings and advances to hang out because I only saw him as a friend. He constantly asked if I still liked N.S. and I told him I did, only for N.M. to say things like “He’s not even here. Why would you still like him? He’s the one who left you at RHS by yourself. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t care about you anymore because he probably has another girlfriend.”

  Being brainwashed and vulnerable, I agreed to hang out with N.M. after school one day, and I instantly regretted it. It suddenly became uncomfortable because N.M. tried everything he could to kiss me or touch me inappropriately. (If you guys knew me, sex was never on my mind and being abstinent was still something I promised myself.) Annoyed and shocked at how N.M. was behaving, I threatened to break the friendship. After months of ignoring him, he promised that he wouldn’t act that way again, and because I made the mistake of easily trusting his words, we officially got together knowing the relationship was doomed from the start.