Part 7: Trapped

     From the moment N.M. and I got together, I never wanted to put my heart into it mainly because he was my ex’s (N.S.) friend and it felt weird to do anything at all with him. I spent the first six months of our relationship trying to avoid N.M. I didn’t even want to be seen with him because I felt like we were never on the same level. Around this time, many of our friends (specifically R.E.), began telling N.M. that we shouldn’t be together because he’s just another guy on my list. Even his cousin, K.Q. (don’t worry homie, your part is coming up reaaal soon) suspiciously began attaching himself to me even so far as to call me his “cousin-in-law.” N.M. warned me to beware of K.Q. because he tends to cause trouble, but because I always see the good in people, I ignored his warning. For those of you who know where I’m going with this, this was obviously a mistake. 💁

  Whenever I thought about N.M., I wished it was N.S. I honestly didn’t even know what I was doing with that guy, and why I said yes in the first place. I felt bad that he was constantly forcing himself onto me and I stupidly led him on only to get myself trapped. By the time I started trying in the relationship, N.M. completely switched up on me. I found out he was commenting on random girls’ Instagram, giving them his number, and even texting them. When I confronted him about it, he said “Yeah I gave them my number, but it’s not cheating because I’m only talking about you.” I easily forgave him because I thought he was clueless since I was his first girlfriend. I should’ve ended it.

  A few months later, he began pressuring me to do it with him, until one night to get him to finally leave me alone, I did it. Though I hated myself immediately during and after because I was only saving myself for one person, the person I truly loved, and it wasn’t N.M. I felt disgusted and dirty for weeks. One month later, he did something that went against my permission and gave me a UTI. Then a week before prom, again without my permission, he inserted himself into me without protection, and I fell ill within a couple of hours. I had every single sickness symptom except it was ten times worse. I lost 10 pounds in less than 24 hours because I was constantly puking and not eating anything.

  When I got to the emergency room, the doctor had informed me that I had an STD; gonorrhea. The only way anyone could contract an STD is if your partner had unprotected sex with another partner. Feeling betrayed, I immediately texted N.M. to get him to admit that I wasn’t his first like he said I was, but he kept denying it. (Still to this day, he won’t admit a damn thing.) That wasn’t even the part that worried me though. I was more scared when the doctor said “You’re only seventeen, that’s so young. Good thing you caught the STD at an early stage because if you waited, it would have affected your uterus making it hard or impossible for you to have kids.” For those who know me, I absolutely love children, so being told that you could have not been able to have them was heartbreaking to hear.

  Though after not hearing the truth, I still stayed with N.M. because I was scared he was going to tell everyone about me. The most fucked up thing with this situation was how N.M. switched it up on me again and made like I was the dirty one when he clearly was the one who gave me an STD. He had too much pride to admit his wrongs and say he was sorry. I knew I should’ve ended it.

  By prom in mid-March, I had dropped a total of 20 pounds in only one week. Because I was still fragile, it was hard for me to walk or stand for more than ten seconds without me getting light headed and out of breath. Even though I didn’t want to be there, I couldn’t even enjoy prom night because of the condition I was in. I felt so weak that I felt like fainting. I wanted it to be 9:00 pm so I could go home and take my antibiotics, but I had to put on an act to make sure no one asked questions. Once again, I kept everything to myself.

Beginning of March 2014

Two weeks into March 2014

  Graduation was coming up and the only thing I looked forward to was not seeing anyone again. I HATED high school and the people in it because of what they did to me and what they turned me into. May 23, 2014, this day was supposed to be the most accomplishing day of high school for me, but it instead turned into a day I wanted to be done with. Once the ceremony ended and we exited the tunnel, everyone cried and hugged one another, but not me. There were no tears to be shed because I honestly didn’t care. I didn’t even take pictures with any other graduates. I was finally done with high school, and that’s all that mattered.