Part 5: Back to Square One

  *TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS POST!!*

  I tried so hard to fight those bad thoughts, but it slowly kept winning. I contemplated how I was going to do it and who would find me first, so I Googled the fastest way to die through a stab wound. Multiple websites said that severing the blood flow in your neck will cause you to lose blood and unconsciousness within seconds causing you die in a few minutes. Still thinking about my family, that option was quickly extracted because there was no way I would let them find me with a knife in my neck. I realized that going with something less gory was more appropriate, so I thought about hanging myself. While looking up ways to tie a noose, I began backing out of this plan too because I didn’t want anyone climbing up to untie my body.

  Needing some air, I forced myself out of bed and headed towards the kitchen. With no one home, it was comfortable for me to show my face outside of my room for the first time that day. I walked to the fridge to drink water, and for a split second I almost forgot I was suicidal until I looked at the knives. I admired the sizes of each one because I knew no matter how big or small, they were all sharp and either one of them could do the job to get me put me out of my misery.

  Suddenly, I began thinking about my baby sister. Being only four years old, I wondered how she would feel if her second mom abruptly “left.” I worried about the trauma she would have as she got older if she was one the first ones to walk in on my lifeless body. I couldn’t do that to her, or any of my family members. Backing away from the knife drawer, I ran back into my room and cried at how selfish I was being for ever thinking about suicide. When my family came home, I hugged my sister a little tighter than usual because I was relieved that I hadn’t actually gone through with what I wanted to do.

  That same night, I logged onto Tumblr and received an anonymous message asking if I was still with T.K. After confirming that I was, the anon made it known that T.K. currently had another girlfriend and I knew that person. Annoyed, I texted him and found out that it was true; he really was cheating on me, so I immediately broke it off. Texting K.M., my best friend, I told him what I just found about my (now) ex. All he texted back was “Come to the band banquet tomorrow. I have something to tell you.” Still ashamed to show my face in public, I quickly denied that I was going to go, but he assured me that no one was going to touch me because he’d be there to protect me.

  Feeling safer than I was all day, I trusted his words and finally let myself fall asleep for the night. Due to the constant tears from the day before, on the day of the banquet, my eyes were still puffy. That same evening, I met up with K.M. at the banquet, and he asked me to repeat what I texted him the night before. After doing so, he let out a sigh and said “I told you you should’ve just left him.” Confused, I asked why he would give me that warning, but I wasn’t prepared for what was going to come out of his mouth.

  K.M. said, “In class a couple of days ago, I overheard T.K. telling his friend J.M. that ‘the bet’ was too simple. After eavesdropping for a while I figured out that the bet was to date you, N.D.’s younger sister. T.K. even claimed you guys did it. He was the one who started the rumour that you were ‘easy’ even though I know you would never give it up to someone like him. As for his new girlfriend, you do know her. She hangs out with you...it’s A.P.” Feeling hurt and angry, I expressed how badly I wanted to get back at T.K. How dare he say and do those things to me when HE was the desperate one this whole time? What a joke. I was filled with so much anger that I wanted to punch my ex in the face, but my best friend didn’t want me getting my own hands dirty since I was just the victim. He guaranteed that my ex was going to get what’s coming to him. I couldn’t believe that in a matter of two days, everyone I thought I knew was dead to me.

  While everyone was on the dance floor having fun, I spent all night with K.M. venting about how alone I felt at school the day before because I couldn’t do anything but sit in an office listening to lie after lie. It was torture. After giving me useful and motivational advice, K.M. asked the question everyone wanted to know-- “Are you coming to school on Monday?” I admitted that I actually developed anxiety in the past 24 hours, and the more I think about seeing the BULLIES, the more I start to have a panic attack. Being the first person to care about my mental health and well being, best friend promised to stick to my side like glue until he and the rest of the class of 2012 graduated. If I still needed him by my side because I felt unsafe, he would continue coming back on campus until I was ready to conquer the world on my own again. He kept repeating, “No one is going to touch you because I’m not gonna let them.” I couldn’t help but feel thankful to have a friend like K.M. in my life especially during this hard time.

  Somehow I had the strength to get out of bed and get ready for school on Monday morning knowing I technically had a bodyguard. Texting K.M. at 6:30 am, I let him know that I was on campus, and he immediately replied saying he was going to be there in less than five minutes. K.M. kept his promise throughout the whole day because he really did attach himself to me. He had a girlfriend who completely understood the situation, and didn't mind my best friend taking care of me first. K.M. hung out with me before and after school, and during recess and lunch. He would walk me to class and wait until I sat down in my seat before turning away.

  The one class I dreaded going to was band because GR.F., GL.F., A.I., and J.I. were in it. While walking to the band room, I started having a small panic attack. My heart raced faster than usual and I began hyperventilating. Calming me down when I entered the room, K.M. reminded me again that he was going to be there the whole time and no one was going to touch me then told me to get behind him.

  When I entered the classroom, everyone went quiet, and my eyes went straight at the floor. Noticing how defeated I looked, best friend guided me near the corner of the room where it was slightly out of view of my tormentors and away from the rest of the class. As much as he tried to hold a conversation, I couldn’t bring myself to answer or look up because I knew that Satan’s spawns were talking about me. Attempting to motivate me, K.M. said “Don’t ever show weakness to your enemies because if you do, they’re going to think they won. Don’t give them a chance to think they control you.”

  I nodded my head not really paying attention to his words. In the process of doing so, my eyes gazed towards the BULLIES, and once again my eyes shot towards the floor. I sadly said “They’re still looking at me.” Seeing how bothered I was by it, best friend stared at them from across the room and yelled out “Yes? Why do you guys keep looking over here?” Quickly looking towards K.M., I was surprised that he said something. Under their breaths but still being loud, they laughed and said “Wow. Look at her bodyguard. How cute.” K.M. rolled his eyes, looked to me and said “See. I got your back!”

  I just had to last until the end of the school day because I knew my mom was going to be on campus to talk to Enos about not having proof. My best friend walked me to the front of the campus when the dismissal bell rang and made sure I got into the car safely. Once I sat down, I saw that my mom had an annoyed look on her face. When I asked her what happened, she said “I showed that stupid Vice Principal the screenshots, and all he could say was ‘Oh. So she wasn’t lying.’ He didn’t apologize for calling you a liar and he didn’t apologize to me or your sister either. He said that it’s too late for the seniors to receive any kind of punishment, and that they will still get to walk for graduation. Fucking ridiculous.”

  My mom asked if I wanted to stay at Radford or if I wanted to transfer schools. It would look better on my record if I transferred high schools than it saying I was expelled. Moanalua was an easy option because I knew I could get in on a G.E. if I joined their marching band, which was the same way I got into RHS. If this didn’t work out, my next but last choice would be Waipahu HS because it’s in my district. I didn’t want to go to a school where the curriculum wasn’t going to challenge me enough because I knew my potential. I also didn’t want to be there because I knew I’d see my ex (N.S.) around campus. I wouldn’t know what to do or say to N.S. to make him not think I was the problematic one. I didn't want him looking at me the same way everyone else did.

  During the summer, my mom wrote a note to the DOE explaining my situation with Dygre Enos, and I still hadn’t figured out where I wanted to go. The month of June flew by faster than I thought, and many of my band mates began texting/messaging me wondering if I was going to come to band camp in July. I still loved music, but I was still unsure about if I'd be able to handle my mental health around the same people who caused it.
In mid-July, Dr. Ali, Radford’s school principal called my mom, and made it clear that after looking over my paperwork about my expulsion, he realized that Enos did not handle it the way he was supposed to. Dr. Ali explained that he was not on campus the week before and during graduation, and he apologized for everything Dygre put my family and I through. Before he ended the call, he let my mom know that Enos was no longer a Vice Principal because he got demoted to a math teacher still on Radford’s campus. Then he asked if I wanted to come back to RHS. Not wanting to keep him waiting, I immediately said yes, but I knew I didn’t make the right choice for myself.