Part 1: In the Beginning
I'll be honest with you, from the moment I started middle school, I had absolutely no idea where the hell I was going in life. I went to class, made friends, and got into an elective I ended up loving. It wasn't until high school when I became more lost and confused with everything. I dated random people to fill a void in my heart and I was also bullied because I was a target due to girls being jealous and envious towards me. Then right after graduation, I became hated for no reason and lost so many "friends" who waited to speak badly about me only when they knew they'd never see me again. It's been 10 years since I entered the pre-teen world, and so many things have changed in that amount of time. To truly understand why I am the way I am, we have to go back to the beginning.
In 2008, my baby sister was born and I had just began partially raising her while my parents were at work. Being only eleven years old, I had been finishing up my last months of elementary school and also getting ready to start middle school. Many things worried me especially the fact that I'd be at a bigger school where students from other elementaries in the area were going to be. My goal of seventh grade was just to survive without rubbing any one the wrong way. I knew I needed to remain a good role model for my siblings, so getting in trouble wasn't even an option. What I didn't know was how different my life was gonna be from the moment I stepped onto that campus.
I had signed up for band as an elective and I quickly discovered that I really loved music. A few months into the school year, I started having a crush on, and then eventually liking, N.S. He was the first boy I genuinely had feelings for. The way I felt about him never compared to anyone who came before or after this guy. I didn't actually know him at first except that he was in my math class and a friend of someone one of my friends had a crush on. For some crazy reason, I just knew that he was the one from the moment I got to know him. Our personalities matched extremely well and he was the only one who got me to laugh without trying to be someone he wasn't.
In 2009, a couple of days into the beginning of eighth grade, N.S. asked me out and we became official. Despite having huge feelings for him, I felt like he was pressured to be with me and thought 1. He actually doesn't like, or 2. He's just too shy to admit his feelings. All I knew was we were farrrr from being comfortable around one another especially when many people saw us as the IT couple. Besides being in a relationship, I still enjoyed being in band and I still hung out with my friends every day. I also made enemies for the first time in my life, but I kept myself distracted by focusing on the things that mattered the most. With eighth grade coming to an end, I had been accepted into Radford HS on a G.E. for marching band. Because joining marching band was mandatory as freshmen, I had signed up for summer school to get a head start in my school credits.
The day prior to the last day of school, I had given N.S. my yearbook to sign with a promise that he was going to show up the next day. Unknown to me, that would be the very last time I saw him almost seven years.
When the school day ended, I headed towards the elementary to meet up with my two younger siblings at the front office. Once I got on their campus, I noticed my brother's head was down and was crying while my sister sat quietly sat next to him. I also saw a group of about five seventh graders sitting close to my siblings, smirking. I quickly ran up to my brother and sister to see what was wrong and immediately asked why he was crying. He pointed and said "Those girls said they were going to cut off my dick." Looking to my younger sister to see if this was true, she nodded and I snapped. I turned around and screamed "What did you say to my brother? You're gonna cut what off?!" at the girls. It wasn't long before they all started shouting back "This doesn't even involve you Rianna. Mind your own business!" Pissed off, I yelled, "You guys are bullying my brother. You do know that right?!" The moment I finished my sentence, one of the girls ran off crying, and everyone ran after blaming me for making a BULLY cry.
While the girls were playing victim, I focused my attention towards my brother. I asked if he was okay and if they ever approached him before. Both he and my sister explained that the girls had been saying things like this since they were in elementary. The most common remark being "Are you gay? You must be because you have four sisters." It hurt my heart knowing my own brother had become a victim of bullying, and I didn't know this entire time. Only five minutes passed when the group of girls came walking back. At the same time, a teacher from the elementary came by passing by and noticed the girls and my brother crying. Not even coming closer to investigate the situation, from 30-feet away he yelled, "What's going on over there?" The girls pointed towards me and screamed out "It's her! She made J.F. cry!" The teacher then looked my way and asked what grade my brother and I were in. Giving our answer and noticing majority of us wore a middle school uniform he said, "If you guys don't get off campus right now, I'm going to make sure you don't graduate 8th grade, and your brother isn't going to graduate 6th!" before walking away. The girls immediately got off campus and I irritatingly called my parents letting them know what happened.
In July 2010, while being in summer school for almost two months, I received a text message from a friend of mine who said that N.S. wanted to break up with me and that he was sorry. I instantly began blaming myself. Questions like "Did he really not like me this whole time? What did I do wrong in the relationship? Does he not know what today is? Today we make 11 months..." popped into my head. After trying to reach out to N.S. for weeks for an answer as to why we broke up, every single one of my attempts went ignored. I decided to wait until the first day at RHS to ask him, but the joke was on me because when that day came, I found out he wasn't ever going to show up because he was at Waipahu HS.
I was annoyed at the fact that this wasn't the first time N.S. had lied to me. Feeling hurt, upset, heartbroken, and abandoned, I turned into someone I don't like remembering. I became demanding and bossy to get what I wanted from people. I only acted this way because I was broken on the inside and the only one who could fix it was no longer around. He took a part of me with him, and I didn't even get a goodbye. That's what hurt the most. From the last half of 2010 to the first half of 2011, I spent my whole freshman year hating N.S. for leaving me alone, but I mainly hated myself for being too young and naive to fall in love. I built up a huge wall to guard my heart and decided that becoming heartless was the best option to avoid another incident like N.S.
It wasn't until the beginning of sophomore year in the last half of 2011, when I began dating again, but it was never for the right reasons. After discovering that a boy (D.D.) who was a grade below me liked me, I agreed to go out with him. I thought it was convenient that we were both in band, but from the moment we got together, there were already many problems. All we did was argue, but mainly about other girls because he had a history of cheating. A few seniors from the c/o 2012 had began using him to sell their drugs, and when I tried steering D.D. in a better direction, the seniors would interfere and brainwashed him into treating me horribly. We lasted almost three months until he cheated on me with 5+ girls and I immediately ended it because I knew I couldn't trust him. Just like N.S., I was left hurt, used, and upset, but the pain didn't amount to what I went through the first time.
In 2008, my baby sister was born and I had just began partially raising her while my parents were at work. Being only eleven years old, I had been finishing up my last months of elementary school and also getting ready to start middle school. Many things worried me especially the fact that I'd be at a bigger school where students from other elementaries in the area were going to be. My goal of seventh grade was just to survive without rubbing any one the wrong way. I knew I needed to remain a good role model for my siblings, so getting in trouble wasn't even an option. What I didn't know was how different my life was gonna be from the moment I stepped onto that campus.
I had signed up for band as an elective and I quickly discovered that I really loved music. A few months into the school year, I started having a crush on, and then eventually liking, N.S. He was the first boy I genuinely had feelings for. The way I felt about him never compared to anyone who came before or after this guy. I didn't actually know him at first except that he was in my math class and a friend of someone one of my friends had a crush on. For some crazy reason, I just knew that he was the one from the moment I got to know him. Our personalities matched extremely well and he was the only one who got me to laugh without trying to be someone he wasn't.
In 2009, a couple of days into the beginning of eighth grade, N.S. asked me out and we became official. Despite having huge feelings for him, I felt like he was pressured to be with me and thought 1. He actually doesn't like, or 2. He's just too shy to admit his feelings. All I knew was we were farrrr from being comfortable around one another especially when many people saw us as the IT couple. Besides being in a relationship, I still enjoyed being in band and I still hung out with my friends every day. I also made enemies for the first time in my life, but I kept myself distracted by focusing on the things that mattered the most. With eighth grade coming to an end, I had been accepted into Radford HS on a G.E. for marching band. Because joining marching band was mandatory as freshmen, I had signed up for summer school to get a head start in my school credits.
The day prior to the last day of school, I had given N.S. my yearbook to sign with a promise that he was going to show up the next day. Unknown to me, that would be the very last time I saw him almost seven years.
When the school day ended, I headed towards the elementary to meet up with my two younger siblings at the front office. Once I got on their campus, I noticed my brother's head was down and was crying while my sister sat quietly sat next to him. I also saw a group of about five seventh graders sitting close to my siblings, smirking. I quickly ran up to my brother and sister to see what was wrong and immediately asked why he was crying. He pointed and said "Those girls said they were going to cut off my dick." Looking to my younger sister to see if this was true, she nodded and I snapped. I turned around and screamed "What did you say to my brother? You're gonna cut what off?!" at the girls. It wasn't long before they all started shouting back "This doesn't even involve you Rianna. Mind your own business!" Pissed off, I yelled, "You guys are bullying my brother. You do know that right?!" The moment I finished my sentence, one of the girls ran off crying, and everyone ran after blaming me for making a BULLY cry.
While the girls were playing victim, I focused my attention towards my brother. I asked if he was okay and if they ever approached him before. Both he and my sister explained that the girls had been saying things like this since they were in elementary. The most common remark being "Are you gay? You must be because you have four sisters." It hurt my heart knowing my own brother had become a victim of bullying, and I didn't know this entire time. Only five minutes passed when the group of girls came walking back. At the same time, a teacher from the elementary came by passing by and noticed the girls and my brother crying. Not even coming closer to investigate the situation, from 30-feet away he yelled, "What's going on over there?" The girls pointed towards me and screamed out "It's her! She made J.F. cry!" The teacher then looked my way and asked what grade my brother and I were in. Giving our answer and noticing majority of us wore a middle school uniform he said, "If you guys don't get off campus right now, I'm going to make sure you don't graduate 8th grade, and your brother isn't going to graduate 6th!" before walking away. The girls immediately got off campus and I irritatingly called my parents letting them know what happened.
In July 2010, while being in summer school for almost two months, I received a text message from a friend of mine who said that N.S. wanted to break up with me and that he was sorry. I instantly began blaming myself. Questions like "Did he really not like me this whole time? What did I do wrong in the relationship? Does he not know what today is? Today we make 11 months..." popped into my head. After trying to reach out to N.S. for weeks for an answer as to why we broke up, every single one of my attempts went ignored. I decided to wait until the first day at RHS to ask him, but the joke was on me because when that day came, I found out he wasn't ever going to show up because he was at Waipahu HS.
I was annoyed at the fact that this wasn't the first time N.S. had lied to me. Feeling hurt, upset, heartbroken, and abandoned, I turned into someone I don't like remembering. I became demanding and bossy to get what I wanted from people. I only acted this way because I was broken on the inside and the only one who could fix it was no longer around. He took a part of me with him, and I didn't even get a goodbye. That's what hurt the most. From the last half of 2010 to the first half of 2011, I spent my whole freshman year hating N.S. for leaving me alone, but I mainly hated myself for being too young and naive to fall in love. I built up a huge wall to guard my heart and decided that becoming heartless was the best option to avoid another incident like N.S.
It wasn't until the beginning of sophomore year in the last half of 2011, when I began dating again, but it was never for the right reasons. After discovering that a boy (D.D.) who was a grade below me liked me, I agreed to go out with him. I thought it was convenient that we were both in band, but from the moment we got together, there were already many problems. All we did was argue, but mainly about other girls because he had a history of cheating. A few seniors from the c/o 2012 had began using him to sell their drugs, and when I tried steering D.D. in a better direction, the seniors would interfere and brainwashed him into treating me horribly. We lasted almost three months until he cheated on me with 5+ girls and I immediately ended it because I knew I couldn't trust him. Just like N.S., I was left hurt, used, and upset, but the pain didn't amount to what I went through the first time.
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